The stated mission of this grassroots organization is to generate public awareness and public acknowledgement
of the reprehensible social phenomena of 'the plight of battered women' and to raise monies for those courageous women who
make the positive commitment to turn their backs on their abusers, whose last stronghold over their victim is financial support.
This grassroots movement is being spearheaded by Aviva Lee, in response to the obvious cruelty,
prevalent in our society to keep an abused woman bound to her abuser by denying her financial stability if she chooses to
walk away without a backward glance. And all too often this posture by the abuser is subliminally endorsed by the judicial
system in place. These statements are not theory, but well documented facts.
Why should any woman who is suffering cruelty in what was intended by our Maker to be a relationship
of mutual respect and mutual satisfaction, be compelled to stay in that relationship in order to avoid starvation or poverty?
And we have full documentation that even if a woman runs to a shelter, and escapes her primary abuser, she may in deed turn
to a secondary abuser in order to survive economically.
A most tragic case in point is the murder of a woman who was no stranger to abuse. The untimely
and unfortunate death of this young mother struggling with domestic violence, is the hallmark example of a woman without a
means of escape. Her murder, at the hands of an abusive second partner, leaves her children motherless. Her murder,
at the hands of an abusive partner, leaves her social circle with one less friend. But, the most tragic consequence
of her death is that her abusers, singly and collectively, even though they did not act in collusion with one another, were,
in the long run victorious. Neither our tears nor our sorrow over the circumstances of her murder will bring her
back. Neither our tears nor our outrage over the circumstances of her murder will bring her back. Is it too soon,
in light of these facts, to repeat the larger questions that I have so often asked? I hope not. For, I believe
that the questions verily scream for an answer.
WHY DO WOMEN GO BACK? WHY DO WOMEN SETTLE FOR A MEDIOCRE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER ABUSIVE
PARTNER, AFTER HAVING ESCAPED THE FIRST ONE?
My own observations on the issue are first hand. The answers are both simple and complicated
all at once. While the media would have us believe that women in our contemporary society are empowered with a means
of financial survival, which is considered to be one of the reasons for the rise in divorce among us in these times, the fact
is that the vast majority of women are still financially crippled upon truly fleeing an abusive relationship. In deed
because money is the last stronghold that an abuser has over the victim, typically it is money which is used as the final
tool to bring the victim to their knees, broken, crushed and all too often beyond hope of recovery. There are only a
handful of women who choose to walk away from their abuser with nothing but their suitcases, living in abject poverty while
they rebuild their lives. But, this is a very small minority.
And considering the fact that very few victims
ever tell their secret, and that even fewer actually try to leave, we are in deed discussing a finite fraction of a fraction.
Many women in the subset of 'victim' choose to return to their abusers, and some return time after
time. Why? Some learned individuals have actually postulated that it is because the victim is addicted to abuse.
After all, one of the first questions society asks is, "If it was so horrible.......... why did you stay? This 'addiction
concept' is a dangerous concept, and may even result in theories of treatment methodology which themselves border on
being abusive. It is my opinion, that by and large women return because their survival skills are tremendously limited
and society has yet to take a consistently affirmative posture toward empowering women who turn and walk away from their abusers,
without a backward glance. This is particularly true here, in a setting where the victim is possibly not only
an olah hadasha, but beyond middle age.
It is true, that in Israel, we do have safe houses where an abuse victim and their dependent children,
regardless of race, origin or religion may go in time of crisis. We even have residences to which the victim can 'graduate',
after passing through the halls of the communal shelter. But many times the shelter itself and its atmosphere leave
a lot to be desired in terms of healthy social dynamics. Most everyone there is in one state or another of recovery
from one form of abuse or another. And even if the children in tow are not in need of recovery from actual abuse
as is the case of the battered spouse who is the 'bitachon' for her children, then they are most assuredly in varying
stages of recovery from the 'fall out' of living with their mother's abuser.
Further, after having been graduated to an independent residence from the shelter, sometimes women
are prematurely 'graduated' from that residence to the 'real world'. A world for which they are all too often ill prepared
in terms of financial survival.
The 'fall out' of living with an abuser is sometimes noticed by those practiced in the art of keeping
their own abuse a secret.
A case in point - In this case, the abuser would subject his victim to what I call, terror tantrums.
Terror tantrums are quite different from temper tantrums. An adult's temper tantrums are shorter lived than a child's
and are not dangerous. An adult's temper tantrum is not intended to inflict pain of any kind on anyone. And an
adult's temper tantrum is never a calculated attempt to reduce someone to the status of victim. For the record,
a terror tantrum, is not the shouting of an angry spouse. Neither is a terror tantrum the shouting of that spouse venting
their spleen, as we say. A terror tantrum is an insidious attempt by the abuser to use vicious speech to reduce someone
to the status of victim and once that is accomplished to further reduce the victim to a state of brokenness. This is
done through the use of words, often exaggerations, but always shouted in rage, relentlessly and generally nonstop for not
just several moments, but for long intervals of a quarter hour or more. In this victim's case, her abuser usually waited
until the children were sleeping to set into his tantrum of terror. In trying to insulate her children as much as possible,
she had over the years, planned the sleeping arrangement for the children to physically be as afar away from the front
door as possible. And she would during her abuser's terror tantrums, get as close to the front door as possible.
After one evening of weathering the terror tantrum of her spouse, she received a phone call the following morning from her
young daughter's teacher. She was alarmed. The school year had just begun, so she went apprehensively to the appointment
and waited for the consultation. The teacher was very wise. She began by showing the young mother a copy of the little
pupil's hand writing exercises from the beginnning of the school year. She praised the consistent efforts of her pupil.
Then she showed the mother a sample of the youngster's writing from that day. The mother was horrified as she sat there
and looked at the paper. She knew from the writing that her daughter had been subconsciously traumetized by the previous
night's terror tantrum, even though the child had been tucked away 'safely' in bed. How could the mother AND
the teacher discern the child had been traumetized?
The penmanship lesson of that day had been obviously a struggle. What were in prior lessons
strong, confident lines of near perfect penmanship, were that day little delicate faltering lines, obviously written with
a tiny hand shaking uncontrollably. Why was the young mother horrified? Because up until that moment she had actually
believed that she had been successful for years, at protecting her own children from the 'fall out' of domestic violence in
their own home. That day, the teacher with samples of her young pupil's hand writing, opened the door and exposed
the secret. The teacher, herself a victim of chronic spousal abuse, looked at the young mother and said, 'I know what
causes this radical change in a pupil's penmanship. I know the secret you think you have been protecting your children
from, and the horrifying truth is, your children know also.
So now, I ask the questions again. Why do women go back to their abusers? Why after
leaving one abuser, do women jump into mediocre relationships with someone else who is by character trait, an 'abuser'?
Again, women return to or put themselves in similar circumstances, I believe, after consciously deciding that abuse is
easier to weather than the rigors and social stigma of long term abject poverty. This is particularly true when
young children are involved.
What is society's responsibility, in these cases? Society, especially Jewish society has
an obligation to help the helpless, particularly if they ask for help. Surely, in our society, where a woman is
legally and halachically bound to her abuser, until she is set free by that abuser, each of us must take an affirmative attitude
in posturing ourselves to respond to the helpless, both before they are abused again and after they have attained freedom.
This is critical.
It is true, that if a woman makes a conscious decision to live with someone whom she knows
to be abusive that she is responsible for that decision. However, the final question goes beyond, who is responsible.
The final question is, who is accountable. At the end of the day, those who have chosen to ignore the cries of the helpless
will be held accountable.
As a society, we need to believe in and promote the inalienable right of every woman and her children
to be safe and to feel safe in their own home. As a society we need to believe in and endorse the ideology, that
anything less is an unacceptable compromise. As a society that will ultimately be held accountable, we need to
do more to equip abused women to achieve financial independence rather than return to their abusers. This is a
daunting task, but it is not an impossible task.
We need a system of checks and balances to give the victim who chooses to leave, without a single
backward glance, the opportunity for real recovery not just emotionally, but financially. To date, such a system does
not exist. Until such a system does exist, women will continue to return to their abusers and sacrifice their right
to safety in exchange for financial security for themselves and their children. Until such a system does exist, we will
continue to be horrified when we are forced to face the fact that spousal abuse is real and sometimes results in the
murder of the innocent.
Plans are being drawn for a nonprofit organization to assist victims so that they need not
return to their abusers, in order to be financially secure. Please contact the authoress for more information, concerning
this and Women In Transition. She may be reached by email, aviva_lee@hotmail.com or by phone internationally, +972.52.54.55.895 or in Israel, 052.54.55.895.
http://avivalee.tripod.com
By mobile phone International:
+972.52.54.55.895
and in Israel
052.54.55.895
